Port Court

Tue, 05 May 2009 06:43:10 GMT

uh so i havent been on here in forever then decide i want to check my friends page and there is NOTHING on it!?!? where are all of my friend updates?!

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 23:29:31 GMT

becoming extremly bored today on my day off..i started playing on facebook for way too many hours and i noticed i have 961 friends! WTF! i dont think i even know that many people. i looked at ome of these "friends" and dont know some of them or thought maybe i passed them once on campus or maybe had them in a class or soemthing?! it bogles my mind..

i also feel that i will not be flying up to my ten year high school reunion when it comes around because what is the point..lol..i read about and see photos of everyone on facebook and myspace! see im already informed and reunited. much cheaper then flying all the way home for a silly reunion lol

im glad facebook has kept me laughing nad entertained for the day!

on anotehr note..there is no humiity down here right now..its absolutly beautiful an the weather is the perfect temp. wish i could have laid out toay or something but its still a lil too cool for that..so i spray tanned instead..so at least i look like a floridian now. haha

OMG1

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 05:43:31 GMT

after further evaluation, i think im a republican!!!! ug!

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 21:45:58 GMT

I went and visited Sammys mom today and talked a little bit about everything. I'm heading out to Indian river state college tomorrow to go look into going back to school and becoming an RN. I've thought about it for a while but with a little influence from Mr and Mrs Beers today I think I need to quit the waiting game and just do it. So tomorrow I'll go get all the info I need and hopefully start the ball rolling. I do nothing during the day so I can take day classes and still bartend at night! I'm excited and now after telling Sammys dad and mom I was gonna strive better in life then a bartender... I should hop on it LOL! I'm excited!

thoughts and prayers

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:37:55 GMT

please keep Sammy and his family in your thoughts and prayers. Friday night, his youngest sister, 20, Jennifer was in a fatal car crash and died Saturday afternoon. He is still in the shock stage and letting it set in but hes hanging in there. I know none of you know him, but as friends of mine if you could just say a little prayer I would appreciate it =) thak you

xoxo
love you all
court

hmmm....

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 18:57:32 GMT

so the day afer christmas i felt this ovewhelming feeling of a breakdwon coming on and boy was i right. but i didnt talk to anyone or anything about it. i handled it.. not in the best way.. kinda acting out and scrreaming and crying and locking myself away in my home when i could and then emerging from my house with a smile on my face and a forced twinkle in my eye.

i did well. most of the time people can read my emotions on my face. they would occasioanlly ask what was wrong nad i would smile and say nothing. i was completly hiding. but for once it was the best way for me to take care of whatever it was that thru me into an overall few week depression.

i cant tell you what it was..except say it was everything and anything. tat rock bottom feeling.

i finally talked to a girlfriend. gave her no details but asked her what to do when you feel completly lost. shes been thru alot herself and was very enlightening. she gave me the steps to take to take care of myself. i contemplated packing up and moving north.. haha. with this cold wave were having right now i realized that i could never go back north.. my blood has thinned and i like the warmth =) i shouldnt run from a bundle of situations that from time to time break me down.. thats life..thigns get hard and we need to deal with them..and for the first time i realized that taking care of yourself in the simplest of ways is the best way to heal yourself. im making a list of things i can do for myself whether it be small and at home to just going down to the beach that ive grown to take for granit cuz its so close.. but regrdless... i need to make some changes nad take care of me for once. i really do put veryones elses needs around here first and have lacked taking care of me

so im going to read, start writing again, blair my music, work out, pig out (man ive missed food) go to the beach, wite emails to friends, sing, going to take dance lessons, go se a movie, tkae myslf to lunch...etc!

i have a plan and so far since ive started to just think about the plan ive been more calm.

hmm... ag life.. its everyday changing, veryday new ideas and thoughts. its a damn rollercaoster.. but i guess thats the fun of it

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 04:53:08 GMT

rock bottom.

when you dont eat for days and you cant even tell
when you cant sleep and arent even tired
when you do sleep for 14 hours in a row and still feel tired
when you cant cry but all you feel like doing is crying
when you kill yourself with kindness and try to laugh at everything cuz you cant cry
when you can hardly laugh without all the crying
when you sit on your stairs and stare at teh wall in front of you for hours and it only seems like 20 seconds have gone by
when you dont talk to anyone because talking hurts more
when you act a lil crazy and push the issue knowing you shouldnt and it makes it worse
when you cant stop the above statement
when you dont even want to pick up an alcohlic drink
when you follow thru and dont touch alcohol at all
when you are running to the bathroom every 4 minutes dry heaving cuz of constant naseau
when you know everything can only go up from where you are
when you know, but still feel like your dying inside and there is no hope or cure
when you block out the world and sit in dark house by yourslef for 24 hours
when you stnad in the shower for an hour until the water goes freezing cold
when you CANT even do waht you need to do because it hurts soo bad and your freeze
when you have no idea what the next 5 minutes will bring let alone the next day, week etc
when you sit here and write something like this..and have done all these things.

rock bottom.

life revelation

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 23:52:15 GMT

litening to xmas songs all last night and today i fianlly figured something out...

since i was able to understand words i always thought that "i saw mommy kissing sanya clause" was a horrible song. why would mommy do that to daddy!!

well tonight i figured out that it is from the eyes of a child and shes seeing her mother smooching up old st nick which when we were kids..was our paents..so in fact mommy was kissing daddy but still believing in santa the lil girl thought it was santa.

wow... sometimes i question if its brain mass or cobwebs! lol

happy holidays!

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 04:16:52 GMT

christmas cards to 50 peple are so much fun-ner to write out and send when you are sitting here drinking a cold beer, trying to entertain a 3 year old while dad mudds walls up stairs and then he cooks you spaghetti and your cat is running aroud the house like he just ate a pound of cat nip!!!

i love the holidays.. except when your town has one mall and its IMPOSSIBLE to shop because there are too many people =)

the end.

big step.

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 04:48:53 GMT

i yesterday made a big step in life. as you may all know i was a humongous backstreet boy supporter. i somehow over the years of fan-age, if you will.... collected every single article, picture, burger king happy meal item, concert program, tciket stub etc from EVERY concert that crosed a 5 state area. today, i threw it ALL away. i opened the boxes, without looking and just thre it all inot the garbage can. gone. done. histroy. it was a big step nd very useful. what use do i have for this stuff, but i now realize that it is but a meory...good times, fun times. but a memory. no need for the clutter and draggin the boxes around.

i know plenty of old people who caried thier beatles or elvis stuff around for a while, but im over it and now everything is now aparrt of the indian river county waste maangement pile.

goodbye. adios. sianara. buenos noches. see ya.

i feel i have made a big step in life seeing i like to hang on to sentimental memories, and STUFF. im so proud of me. goodbye BSB. until we meet again in song, and i dont keep or buy or save a thing.

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 14:50:50 GMT

Dear Self,
On this celebration of your 25th year on earth, you somehow managed to once again get ridiculously hammered even with babysitters. As a result, you became a lil crazy, a lil obnoxious and a lil open with your thoughts. Due to your actions that needed to be recapped the next morning by your good freind and previous nights caretaker, you will no onger be able to celebrate birthdays, or go out ever again for that matter. Get comfy, the couch is your new home and i hope you will find some sober, non birthday confort here. Youre old now, this means birthDAY. Not birth week or birth month, and now means nothing... No more birthdays ever again. You are a jackass.

Sincerly,
Yourself

heres my political 2 cents!

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:49:13 GMT

the last seven elections have something in common with football.

the last seven elections have been preceeded by a Washington Redskins game (well there is always football on sunday and monday before the elcetion tueday but just follow along)

everytime the redskins have won, the encumbent (sp) party has won the election

everytime the redskins have lost, the opposite party has taken the victory.

interesting eh?? feel free to research it if youd like =)

its gonna be a tough game against the steelers tonight...and i dont really know who im voting for. i think tehy are both dumb. but i think im almost pulling for a mccain win.

shh i didnt admit that out loud!

ok thats my political blahness =)

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 18:09:29 GMT

Hola!!!

not too much exciting going on here. Im currently laying in bed doing nothing and it feels nice!

Sammy and i got a lil black kitten last week. he doesnt have an official name but were thinking either Baxter, Phin or Samson. Hes kinda on crack and he hasnt even touched his catnip.. very spastic and insane.. sits on our shoulders like hes a bird and like to jump and fall. We love him. He has a lot of personality and his favortie spot to sleep is next to the stuffed animals in the toy corner =)

SEttling into the my new home very nicely. Everything is going great. I have been spending more time at home relaxing and such. Spending lots of time with lil Kira when she comes over and watching Sammy on his nights off remodel the house and build Kiras bedroom. There is dust everywhere but its fun!!! Its very entertaining having the responsability of a three year old. Well not entertaining but interesting I guess, I have a child 3 days a week and one of those days i have her all to myself while Sammy is at work. Its a crazy but awesome experience.

We won Dolphin tickets for the game on the 9th against the Seahawks. I AM SO EXCITED. It will be my first NFL game and first trip to Miami. Were gonna make a weekend outta it and spend some time down there which should be fun.

Halloween party was last night at work and its was AWESOME!! Sammy dressed up as Tom Cruise from risky business and i was a pirate. Found my costume thru Playboy and it was awesome. Took second in the costume contest next to Josh aslo dressed as a pirate. It was awesome!

Someone in Utah got ahold of my check card number and has been buying stuff from trim spa or something like that online. My bank laughed and new it was fraud cuz of how tiny ive gotten... they said if it was me they would send me to rehab instead. BUt they got about 240 worth of money but im getting that back hopefully soon! damn fraud!

Other then that, my birthday is coming up and all i have planned for that is the Dolphin game and then a food show with a free hotel room in down town West Palm Beach the following week. Pretty excited.

Life is good all around =)

pardon while i vent please...

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 02:49:31 GMT

...it was a rough summer. i hit what most people would call rock bottom. my almost 2 year long relationship ended. my dad lost his job and i had to take care of him for a while. i was hurting at work and absoultly miserable making less than a hundred dollars a week. had to deal with my ex going on a cruise with some skank from work having the whole situation rubbed in my face on an every minute basis. was denied a credit card and loan. i lost all and any confidence in myself as a whole..singing talent, self worth, self confidence,etc. brother got arrested AGAIN and then fled to some other state and had no idea where he was for months. lost about 37 lbs total and had to deal with being told i looked anorexic and offered cheeseburgers whenever i saw people. realized my rent was up soon and i couldnt aford to live anwhere or where i was going to go. took my smoking habit to a few here and there to almost a pack a day. plus a few other random things that made me absolutly depressed, cry often, drink some stay in bed for days, shut everyone out and or just be a miserable peice of crap. i thought the final straw was when i found out the ex had slept with the skank flake on the cruise. i was devestated and ready to move out of vero.. it was my final straw in a line of thinking why am i here if im so miserable with every aspect of life. here i was in my quarter life crisis and it was bad.

since then ive been promoted to bar manager and have 4 very coveted shifts now bringing home about 7x as much as i was making before. sammy returned from his cruise and begged for my forgiveness and apologized for days. he told me i was the one and that he loved me and it sucked that it took him losing me and trying to be with someone else to relize what i meant to him and what he lost (dumb, but everything happens for a reason) my brother has been found and although not doing well, i know he is ok. dad is working some and was able to find a place to live and him and his girlfriend are very happy and taking things one step at a time. cut back on the smoking alot once the job thing started working out better (less stressed) after forgiving and giving a second chance, sammy asked me to move in and i accepted and now live in a cute lil condo with him. he is treating me better then anyone should ever be treated and looks at me all the time with so much love in his eyes. im still really tiny weighing in at 115lbs but i eat more cheeseburgers nad pizza and french fries then your average fat kid..lol.. im blessed with old person matabolism speed up i guess. ive found confidence in myself i never knew i had and ive grown to love me for me. lol. im good people damnit.

ill be 25 in one month from today and for the last couple of years i was afraid of that so called quarter life crisis. well i feel i hit..a right before the quarter life turn. but the only way to go was up..and i feel that im definetly going in that direction. with work and finances and relationship and just feeling ok and some sure-ness with most things in life id say that we may hit rock bottom, but again the only was is up. everything happens for a reason, and everything is ok in the end, so if its not ok then its not the end. cheesy little sayings, but they do make sense.

things will be ok, and even tho depression and ock bottom feelings hit.. you should always look for the light at the end of the tunnel. 25 is going to be a good year..and even if i do hit those low points i know that since age 17 ive been thru hell and back again many times, but now i know how to handle it, know things will get better and all in all.. ive grown up and know how to hit the curve balls thrown at me. im xcited for this quarter to be done and to take on 25 and the years to come. bring it on life.. im ready for you.

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:10:12 GMT

wow.

sammy asked me to move in with him last night!!!

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 06:12:35 GMT

i hate the word ditto.

but its better then nothing. and i know its meaning.

i had an amazing day. i feel loved, i feel special i feel on top of the world. yet i feel overwhelmed and want to cry. its been a while. so i think ill just let it go...

and it feels good..

random

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:04:46 GMT

so ther is this guy who comes in to the bar late at night

nice guy not creepy at all. just old and tycoony and nice? lol

telling me how im a pretty girl and i deserve pretty accesories.. never realy knowing what he meant

so last night im hanging out at work and he walks in with a big bag...full of purses of the louis vitan (no clue even how to spell it) and coco chanel

he says i get my pick and i can have one

so i ruffle thru and pick out a gorgeous black and white chanel purse

i ask him what he wants for it and he says let him take me to dinner

i tell him i dont do dinner with people.. its kinda my thing... but ill buy him a drink.

so i bought him a drink, said thank you and now im the owner of a chanel purse. for free!!!

random but exciting! lol

Broken... Lifehouse

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 21:01:33 GMT

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

feeling a whole lot better... "im sorry" "i was wrong" made it a little better... so did the other hour of conversaation. its doesnt heal it.. it only makes me feel not as much like a peice of shit.

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 06:00:21 GMT

i feel like ive failed.

ex sleeps with someone else from work who wants to marry for money

lose miss planet beach contest even tho i have the people vote

feel like im al gore..lol

i feel lifeless and useless and blah! mur

dear karma...when ya gonna give back...?

Photo Shoot!

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:29:08 GMT

My photo shoot for the miss planet beach contest is complete and the photos are done... need your guys opinion... the one below is the one that is in the running to be my photo for the calender... go this link www.islandimagesestore.com and then click on the fashion album and youll find my shoot. let me know what ya think!!!

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 07:02:30 GMT

ah the storm is coming. im afaid o something called fay! we have tornado warnings and its supposed to hit us er..start hitting us around 5am...ew im freaked out... good thing the roomies are home and i have to work at the bar tomorrow.. on the water...which is under us...ya ican wait til a storm surge hits and i drown at work..lol

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 04:04:49 GMT

do u ever sit in the corner of the room and cry because the corners of the wall are the closest thing and only thing yu have to feel somewhat like someone or something is holding you because you need to be held that much...

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 22:11:58 GMT

i won $100 that was muchly needed on winning the NASCAR pool this week. for the last 10 of 160 laps i thought my brain was going to explode but it paid off. literally. lol

i <3 nascar!!

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:40:11 GMT

this morning i was on television

tonight im singing the national anthem at dodgertown

then i get to wear my miss planet beach banner around at the competition tonight

i feel like a mini town celebrity

im such a nerd...lol

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:34:00 GMT

thank you everyone for your well wishes and congrats on my win. i appreciate them all =)

ill keep you posted on how the competition is coming along